Baby Steps

Living with anxiety can sometimes mean that even the most mundane daily tasks become a mountain to climb. For me I get by day to day, when you have children it becomes less about what you want and more about what they need. While that may sound like I am putting myself at the bottom            of my own priorities, getting to the end of the day can give me a sense of achievement.

As a single parent most of the time I am all that my children have and if truth be told, they get me through each and every day. So when it comes to their weekend at their Dad’s I usually struggle to find a reason to get up off the sofa, to get dressed, to even wash. I can spend two full days with the only conversations I have are with my dogs, and when I say conversation what I actually mean if that I talk to my dogs which lets be honest is actually quite shameful.

This week I had my second session with Dawn where we started talking about me – my interests, my hobbies and what I do when I’m not being a mum. The answer I gave was…. Nothing. I do not have any real hobbies, I forgotten what I like to do in my spare time, I don’t really know who I am unless I am being a mum. It was the first time that I got tearful in one of the sessions and the first time I had thought about any of this. My words fell out of me in a way I didn’t know they could.

It made me realise that I am just getting by, barely living, most definitely not doing anything that I love or even like some days.

That’s where the writing came from, writing is something that I dreamed of doing, but it got put on the back burner because it didn’t fit in with the life that was being laid out for me by other people.

Dawn set me some tasks for the weekend – to put together a playlist of songs I love, start a blog and set some daily goals and achievements that I can actually accomplish.

The playlist was the easiest, I found all the songs I liked listening to as a teenager and growing up, songs that I had completely forgotten about, but am proud that I can still sing them word for word.

The writing, the part that I thought I would find the hardest has so far been pretty easy, if not therapeutic. It getting all the words in my head out into the open, and I’m hoping that this habit can turn into more than just my life ramblings and be something more.

The final task was to get out on Friday night…. No not that kind of outing. Walking my dogs. I had it in my head and was determined to do it. Even when the heavens opened as I opened the front door I powered on up that hill and to hammer home the achievement, at Dawn’s request, I touch five different bricks on the old tower. I was soaked to the bone, as were the poor dogs, but I did it. A huge big tick on the achievement list of the week.

So here’s to next week. Let’s hope it is just a fulfilling.